The fifth commandment reads: “‘Honor your father and your mother, the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the LORD your God gives you (Deuteronomy 5:16).” The parallel although earlier verse is Exodus 20:12 which is directly referenced in the latter verse quoted here. There can be little doubt the fifth commandment is the very first commandment just about all of us learn and in most cases the learning starts long before we can speak. All of us arrived here on earth through the very same creative process. The process itself being created by the Lord God on the sixth day of creation upon which He blessed Adam and Eve to be fruitful, multiply and fill the earth (Exodus 1:28).
I will not even hazard a guess on how many others have written exhaustively on both the Ten Commandments and each one individually. However, I have not found much literature exploring the fifth commandment when the family is horribly broken by sin of the parents. More specifically, the sins of abuse, neglect, abandonment, divorce, heretical beliefs and perhaps more are not addressed anywhere near enough for the times in which we live. This is what I hope to shed some light on with this post. I pray those of you who are products of broken families, as I am, may find a blessing. I believe the only way to effectively explore the issue is to lean heavily on Scripture rather than personal conjecture.
Since we are investigating a commandment let’s start with the greatest commandment– the first commandment. Called the Shema (Deuteronomy 6:4-5) Jesus also calls this the greatest commandment (Matthew 22:37-38). “Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one!” “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” This becomes relevant to our discussion by looking at the Shema passage context of Deuteronomy 6:1-8 and the immediate linkage between the greatest commandment to the teaching of this commandment to subsequent generations. This is so important to God that He wraps His greatest commandment into the teaching of the Shema to children and grandchildren. He knows once we understand that loving Him is the center of everything that all of His remaining commandments and laws will naturally flow through all of His people. By extension this includes fifth commandment of honoring and obeying parents.
God is perfect and His plan for families is perfect as well. When father, mother and children are all lovingly submitted to God they will each experience the most of His blessings and providence. Here we see that the blessing promised in the fifth commandment is not just directed at children but also at parents. All are blessed when this commandment is followed. There will be harmony in the family and thus the most glory will be given back to God. From a most practical standpoint of God’s providence children who are incapable of caring for themselves will be cared for by parents. The very same promise is extended to parents who are aged and/or infirmed and can no longer take care of themselves.
While God is perfect, people are most certainly not perfect. Romans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Sadly, sin has consequences; always does, always will. God in his loving grace has made perfect provision for our sins through Jesus Christ. He frees us from the judgment of sin through Jesus’ atoning death but it’s been my experience that God very rarely frees us from the consequences of our sin. When it comes to families the destructive consequences of sin can be multigenerationally devastating. Our churches are full of believing Christians who continue to be trapped in the cycle of generational sin. This sin of divorce is probably the best known of these. There are families of which I know who are made up of children of divorced parents who they themselves have been divorced and the children of these children are also divorced. The sinful example of one generation just keeps going on and on.
When we begin to consider the dysfunctional family we come to a fork in the road. The most familiar subject matter usually deals with disobedient children. There are many Scripture verses dealing with this (see Exodus 21:15, 17, Leviticus 20:9, 26:14-16, Deuteronomy 21:18-21 Proverbs 13:24, 23:13-14, 30:17, Matthew 15:4, Mark 7:9-10, Ephesians 5:6, 6:1-3). The Bible clearly makes a compelling and irrefutable requirement upon children to honor and obey their parents. Under Mosaic law, disobedient children could be stoned to death as we read in Deuteronomy 21. However, the question that is rarely, if ever, asked is the requirement of children to honor and obey disobedient and sinful parents. What does the Bible have to say about this area of family dysfunctionality?
The verse that gives direct instructions from God to the children of disobedient parents is Ezekiel 20:18-19. “I said to their children in the wilderness, ‘Do not walk in the statutes of your fathers or keep their ordinances or defile yourselves with their idols. ‘I am the LORD your God; walk in My statutes and keep My ordinances and observe them.” Clearly, God has removed the requirement to obey parents in any ungodly behavior they may exemplify or teach. This makes absolute sense when we consider two things about God. First, God owns everything and everyone in and on the earth. Psalm 24:1 “The earth is the LORD’S, and all it contains, The world, and those who dwell in it.” Ezekiel 18:4 “Behold, all souls are Mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is Mine…” Children belong to God not parents. Parents are stewards of God’s gift of children and as stewards God holds them responsible for the children’s well-being. Second, the primary responsibility of parents is to teach by example their children and prepare them for a loving relationship with God. If mothers and/or fathers abdicate this primary responsibility the children appeared to be no longer required to honor or obey them. Look at one of this topics keynote versus in the New Testament: Ephesians 6:1-4: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right… Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Consider these quotations of Jesus: “but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea (Matthew 18:6).” Also, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these (Matthew 19:14).” More biblical examples of God’s preeminence over parents are Luke 9:59-60 and Matthew 12:46-50 These Scriptures all clearly show that God has little patience with anyone (which includes parents) who get in the way of children coming into a loving relationship with Him. It seems to me that the fifth commandment is therefore conditional not absolute. Further, the reward of long life on the earth is representative of the conditionality of this commandment on both children and parents. While rebellious, disobedient and wayward children can expect no parental blessing; worldly, ungodly and sinful parents have no legitimate claim to homage from their children in God’s purview.
The conditionality of the fifth commandment finds support in the writings of several biblical scholars and commentators. Rooker draws on Calvin and Blidstein when he writes, “’Are children to show obedient honor in absolutely everything?’ The issue may regard the pathetic situation in which a parent orders a child to do something illegal or unacceptable. Here a line must be drawn, as God would not desire that in obeying a parent, a child would engage in activity contrary to the teaching of Scripture. The child is to honor his parent “in the Lord” (Eph 6:1). If a father or mother should lead a child into unrighteousness, obedience to that parent is to be withheld (Rooker, 3034-3037).” Owlsley relates parenthood to the Old Testament understanding of office, “It is important to understand that honor was conditional. People had to measure up to the level of the honored office, not only by achievement and competence but also through good character, knowledge, wisdom, and integrity (Prov. 15:33; 22:4; 29:23). Personal integrity consistent with God’s moral standards was a means to maintain an esteemed life. This included parents (Owlsley, 2020).” The author of the gotquestions.org article about honoring parents cites Ezekiel, “While we are required to honor parents, that doesn’t include imitating ungodly ones (Ezekiel 20:18-19). If a parent ever instructs a child to do something that clearly contradicts God’s commands, that child must obey God rather than his/her parents (“What Does It Mean…”, gotquestions.org).”
Let’s move now to the writings of Paul. All of Paul’s writings were of course inspired by the Holy Spirit. It is generally thought that Paul’s pastoral epistles (Philippians, Colossians, Philemon) were sent during Paul’s first imprisonment in Rome circa 60-63 AD with most biblical scholars settling on 62 A.D. The epistle to the Ephesians was also written around the same time. According to Philippians 1:1 Timothy was with Paul in Rome when all of these epistles were crafted. This chronological timeframe is relevant to our discussion concerning the fifth commandment. Paul issues instructions to families in Colossians 3:18-21 and Ephesians 6:1-4 (Biblehub, The Epistles of Paul, link below). Specifically, Colossians 3:20 is in view, “children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.” Which is a remarkable parallel to Ephesians 6:1, “children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” With this background developed let’s consider Timothy and his relationship with Paul.
Timothy’s background is revealed in Acts 16:1-3 with additional details revealed in 1 and 2 Timothy. He was the son of a mixed marriage of a Jewish mother and a Greek father but he was raised in the Jewish faith by his mother Eunice and his Jewish grandmother Lois. Both Eunice and Lois were believers in Jesus Christ. Paul wanted Timothy to accompany him but as an uncircumcised Jew Timothy was not allowed to enter synagogues where Paul would do most of his early preaching. We know very little about Timothy’s father and speculating in the void of scriptural evidence is of little benefit. For whatever reason Timothy was raised a Jew but was not circumcised. Acts 16:3 Paul arranges for the circumcision of Timothy. We can only question with regard to what if any confrontations occurred with Timothy’s father, a Greek. There is no biblical evidence that Timothy’s father was a believer. There is also no biblical evidence as to the status of their relationship. The Bible does give us substantial evidence however of Paul’s cherished regard of Timothy. Paul refers to Timothy as his “beloved son,” and “true child in faith.” In 2 Timothy Paul commends Timothy’s mother and grandmother but makes no mention of Timothy’s father. For a detailed presentation of Timothy’s life read, The Pauline Circle by FF Bruce, 2006.
We are now ready to draw these two trajectories of reasoning together by considering the chronological ordering of the writing of the epistles of Paul. Sources agree that Colossians was written prior to Ephesians although both were written during the time of Paul’s first imprisonment in Rome (Biblehub). Remember, Timothy is with Paul in Rome at the time. Remember also Timothy is mentioned by name in the pastoral epistles. Now, look at the parallel verses with regard to obedience to parents in Colossians 3 and Ephesians 6. They are virtually the same except in Ephesians the phrase “in the Lord” is added. This could account for the honoring of Timothy’s mother and grandmother, the circumcision of Timothy, Paul’s loving and fatherly relationship with Timothy and the noticeable absence of Timothy’s Greek father in the biblical record. Finally, Timothy served as Paul’s representative in the Ephesus church for a period of time according to 1 Timothy 1:3. Consistently throughout all of Paul’s epistles an overriding concern of Paul is our witness of Jesus Christ. In how many different epistles has Paul set forward a believer’s responsibility to live according to the word of God. Timothy’s testimony would most certainly be on solid biblical ground as he dealt with the doctrinal problems in the Ephesus church with the addition of “in the Lord” to the Ephesians epistle. It would eliminate any questioning of Timothy’s motivations or credibility. There is no way that Paul under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit would have written something contrary to the fifth commandment. The fifth commandment must therefore be conditional under the umbrella of bringing glory to the Lord.
Proving the conditionality of the fifth commandment was necessary. It is my belief that too many times believing adult children of abusive, neglectful, ungodly, or worldly parents have been browbeaten by well-meaning brothers and sisters in Christ that we must pursue relationship and reconciliation with these disastrous parents because we are under some kind of compulsion from God. Further, I believe forcing the emotional trauma of unconditional reconciliation upon these Christians who have been devastated by these kinds of parents does not only deepen the divide between the generations but it also introduces conflict into these people’s own relationship with God because they are made to feel that they must pursue reconciliation because they are commanded by God and not doing so would be considered sinful disobedience. The better and more biblically legitimate place is individual responsibility for our own sin to God. Once that is understood, we can move forward through healthy relationship building found in the forgiveness of our sins, forgiveness of others of their sins towards us, and pursue biblical reconciliation under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. I will go into this more in my next post.
Rooker, Mark. The Ten Commandments: Ethics for the Twenty-First Century (New American Commentary Studies in Bible and Theology). (Kindle Locations 3034-3037) B&H Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. Blidstein, Gerald, Honor Thy Father and Mother: Filial Responsibility in Jewish Law and Ethics (New York: KTAV, 1975), 38. Calvin, John Commentaries on the Last Books of Moses, trans. C. Bingham (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1979), 3:8.
Owlsley, Donald; "What Does The Bible Mean To Honor Your Parents?"; 2020 (Date accessed: October 15, 2021); https://www.relavate.org/discipline/2020/9/17/what-does-the-bible-mean-to-honor-your-parents
"What Does It Mean To Honor My Father And Mother?" (Date accessed: October 15, 2021) https://www.gotquestions.org/honor-father-mother.html
Biblehub: The Epistles of Paul The Chronological order(Date accessed October 16, 2021): https://biblehub.com/library/schaff/history_of_the_christian_church_volume_i/section_88_the_epistles_of.htm. There is also: http://www.biblecharts.org/newtestaament/achronologyofpaulswritings.pdf
Parousia Patriot 